Clarity
by legallyblained
Summary: 4x22 reaction fic/missing scenes. Kurt wants to know what the hell that dinner was all about.


As dinner dates go (_it's not a date, it's not a date_), this one's pretty weird. These are two completely charming lesbians, of course, but Kurt had figured Blaine would want to be alone with him. He's a little relieved, actually. The last thing he needs is a candlelit evening alone with Blaine. He's still reeling from everything with his dad, and he knows a few kind words, Blaine's hand holding his, those stupid golden eyes… it would be hard to hold back. And he needs to hold back. Needs Blaine to stop doing that… that thing he keeps doing.

There's only really one topic on everyone's minds, though, and it seems kind of deliberate. Kurt glances at Blaine, eyes narrowed, only to see him beaming at the ladies, head tilted to the side, eyes aglow with all the talk of marriage. He can't ignore it when Blaine does that _thing_, making that face again when he hears 'we broke up twice' and it feels like a setup, plain and simple, until he realises it's not for him. The proposal is adorable, and it makes him feel a lot less tense, until about twenty minutes later. Jan looks at Blaine pointedly and pretty much gives everything away.

"It doesn't matter how long it takes when you know you've got forever."

It seems a little too specific. Kurt stays pretty quiet for the rest of the meal.

Walking home, just like everything else, is Blaine's idea: "You're going back soon; I want as much time with you as possible." Kurt doesn't argue. He's grateful for the chance to talk properly, just them.

"That was so cute," Blaine sighs dreamily, "I wonder if they'll invite us to the wedding. Don't you think it was romantic?"

"Mmm. Proposing in front of two teenagers you've just met. Beautiful."

"Kurt? Didn't you like them?"

"Blaine, don't get me wrong; I love lesbians as much as the next guy- well, not as much as a lot of guys- but yes, they were lovely. And dinner was… nice. But are you going to tell me why?"

Blaine swallows.

"Why what?"

"Why we just went to dinner with an elderly lesbian couple you've never even mentioned before yesterday. I figured dinner would be just us- I mean, not a date, but-" Blaine smirks a little and looks down – there's that fucking thing again – "but a chance to really talk."

"We're talking now, aren't we?"

Kurt sighs, still a little baffled.

"I guess."

There's a pause.

"Kurt, is everything okay? You seem annoyed."

"Blaine, was tonight an ambush?"

Blaine stops walking, eyebrows raised in surprise.

"What do you mean?"

"I just- the lesbian oracles, all the talk about marriage and stuff- it felt like you were trying to send a message."

"Kurt-"

"I'm not an idiot, Blaine."

"Well… well I'm not a robot, Kurt!"

He blurts it out and snaps his mouth shut as soon as he's said it, but it's out there now. He can feel frustration building and he knows it's not going to be pretty.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I just- I don't get why you're suspicious. So guarded."

Kurt thinks he's got good reason to be suspicious of Blaine - but is relieved to find it's not a fear of him cheating. It's the old familiar 'what stupid romantic nonsense is he planning now?'

"Well, one of us has to be!"

"What?"

"You're still looking at me like- like we're together, and every time I tell you we're not, you make that face like I'm deluding myself."

"I do not!"

"Okay. Look. Blaine, we're not together." Blaine smirks again, like he's guarding a secret. "There! You did it again! You can't help yourself! I feel like you're not listening to me, Blaine, like if I give you the slightest hint about us getting back together you'll start picking out china patterns or something."

"Oh," Blaine's blushing and chewing on his lip, embarrassed, "I just- Kurt, are we really-" his eyes are watering now, "are we really never going to- I thought- you said you still love me."

"I know I did, and Blaine, I do love you," he reaches for Blaine's hand, but Blaine flinches away, "I just don't want to lead you on. I love you too much to do that to you, do you understand? I just want to be sure."

"So you- we're eventually-"

"Blaine, stop it. Stop picturing a big romantic reunion in your head; I know you're doing it."

The image of himself jumping into Kurt's arms and kissing him in the pouring rain disappears from his mind in a puff of smoke.

"Am not."

"Fine." He takes Blaine's hand, and this time Blaine lets him, even squeezes back. "Can you just- can you hold on for me? Just enjoy being friends for now?"

"I- I'll hold on forever. You know that. You know I'll keep being your friend that you can sleep with and say it's nothing, even though to me it feels like everything." He pulls his hand away. "I know I can get carried away sometimes, Kurt, but it's just because that's how you make me feel. One word from you and I'd do anything. I mean, do you still not trust me?"

"Of course I do-"

"Do you think I would ever cheat on you again?"

Kurt pauses to think.

"No. I know you wouldn't."

"Then I- I don't know what you're still waiting for. Unless you're still, like, punishing me or something-" Kurt shakes his head immediately, "I think you might just be holding off because you think you have to." Kurt's mouth hangs open. "As if you need to be the sensible one because I'm such an idiot when it comes to you. And- sometimes being sensible is overrated, Kurt. You could just be an idiot with me forever. It's fun."

Kurt's dumbstruck.

"I-"

"I know. Look, maybe I shouldn't come to yours tonight. Wouldn't want to skew your judgement somehow." He winks, that old grin creeping onto his face. But Kurt isn't annoyed. He's not doing it because he's not listening. It's because he can hear everything Kurt's not saying. They've conveniently reached the point where they would normally part ways to go to their respective homes. Kurt can't ignore the metaphorical resonance of it.

"Blaine-"

"Yeah?" He's just grinning up at him, so sure of himself, so sure of everything, and Kurt's legs turn to jelly like they did that first day at Dalton.

"I'll- I'll see you at Regionals."

"Yep."

He kisses Kurt lightly on the cheek, gives his elbow a squeeze, then turns and strolls away, humming to himself a little. Kurt watches him walk away, and looks from one path to the other for a moment. He shakes his head a little to snap out of his daze, starting his walk home.

Blaine looks back over his shoulder at the figure walking away from him. His fingers wrap around the box in his pocket. He takes a deep breath.

"All or nothing," he whispers to himself.

* * *

Regionals, as always, is chaotic. Costume problems and clammy palms and hair that won't stay in place. Marley's trembling but the others crowd around her in a giant hug until she's just laughing helplessly.

Eventually, they all settle down to watch the other teams. The first group (_the Waffle Toots, Jesus_) are basically the Warblers without the attitude, and everyone is surprised that they kind of miss that swagger. Then the next choir is announced.

Even Kurt is speechless. The girl's voice is astounding. One of those voices that just goes right through you, and he can feel himself welling up almost immediately. He's missed these ridiculous competitions in a sad kind of way. He sucks in a quick breath, trying to focus, to figure out if the whole group is better or worse than the New Directions. He knows his opinions won't matter, but he likes weighing up the possibilities, figuring out pros and cons in his head. Their dancing is iffy. In sync, but too many small, fussy moves that don't work in such a big song. The costumes are cute. Not a great balance, though. They're depending too heavily on the girl, and she's good but not good enough to carry a whole group. McKinley's got a bigger range of singers.

And, of course, McKinley's got Blaine.

Kurt glances over to where Blaine's sitting, him and Tina either side of Marley. Marley's staring at the stage in awe, sheer terror on her face, and Kurt sees Blaine whisper something to her that makes her smile. He and Tina ambush her with a hug from both sides, Blaine kissing her cheek so that she blushes and giggles. Kurt knows it's nothing like what happened with Tina (whatever the hell that was). He's seen Blaine with the new kids. They're only two years younger than him, but the girls like having him there. He's older, more experienced with choir stuff, and they know he won't try anything with them. It makes sense that he would become some kind of father figure to them.

Kurt tries not to think about the fact that it has less to do with his age or his sexuality than his general Blaine-ness. He's naturally caring, supportive, sweet – seeing him looking after the younger ones is just – it's rude, is what it is.

He wants to let Blaine look at him like that again.

"_'Cause you are the piece of me, that I wish I didn't need…_" Kurt flinches when the lyrics cut through his train of thought. _You've got to be kidding me._ "_Chasing relentlessly, still fight but I don't know why…"_

He feels his stomach lurch. He tries to swallow, swallow his feelings or his tears or just try to get some air into his lungs, but his throat's suddenly too dry.

_"If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?"_

He's staring at Blaine now. He knows Santana's turned around to see his reaction and he doesn't even care.

"Hummel, don't tell me that purple tie-cardigan combo's doing something for you-"

He ignores her.

_"If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?"_

That knocks the wind out of him. He sees Blaine smiling, laughing, cheering the other team on but still keeping Marley calm, and that heavy feeling disappears from the pit of his stomach. He's been back in Lima for almost two weeks, but it's only now that he feels like he's come home.

"Kurt?"

Santana's squeezing his hand now, and he shakes her off and runs out, blinking furiously, just as he hears "_If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you…"_ fade away. The noise could get as quiet as it wanted. The words are already burned into his brain. He knows no matter what, never mind how hard he tries not to, no matter who else takes an interest in him, Blaine is the one he will always keep coming back to. He's been so determined not to lead Blaine on or give him false hope, that he hasn't allowed for the possibility that it might not be false. It wouldn't be so bad letting Blaine think they were going to get back together if he just… stopped fighting.

He has to suck in a few frantic breaths when he gets outside. The sunlight is blinding after being inside the auditorium for so long, and his knees are trembling, and he reaches for a handrail that isn't there. Is this what a panic attack feels like? It feels terrifyingly familiar: like Figgins calling out his name for Prom Queen, like Blaine winking at him the day they met, like Karofsky shoving him into a locker, like Blaine asking him out on their first official date. _'I have Prostate Cancer.' 'You move me, Kurt.'_

He manages to steady himself against a wall just as Santana catches up to him, which isn't easy in her tight dress and high heels.

"Christ, Kurt, what happened in there? One minute you're eye-marrying Blaine, then you bolt. Are-" there's a change in her voice and she cups his face with her palm, "Is everything okay?"

He turns and straightens up, still breathing shakily. He shakes his head. She barely opens her arms before he leans into them, clinging to her and heaving out a sob.

"I'm tired, Tana. I'm exhausted."

"I know, babe," she pets his hair, finding it weird that it comes so naturally to her when Kurt's concerned, "I know. It can't be easy, fighting it all the time. We had a bet to see how long it would take, but nobody thought it would be this long."

He shoves her half-heartedly.

"Thanks for your support."

"Don't mention it. Why are you still pushing him away, Kurt?"

"I… I feel like I don't have a choice any more. Like this is inevitable, and we'll get back together and then he-"

"He what? He'll marry you and have your babies and put up with you when you're old and even more annoying than you already are?"

"I can't just- I don't want to be in that position again. It's too scary. It hurt too much when it went wrong."

"I understand," she squeezes his hand, "I really do, but- remember how good it felt when it went right? Wasn't it all worth it?" He takes a couple of jumpy breaths before nodding slowly. She links her fingers with his and tugs him toward the door. "Come on. Wouldn't wanna miss your boyfriend up there." For the first time in months, he doesn't argue with the title. He knows he doesn't have a choice, not really, but he knows if he did there's still nobody else he would choose.

When they go back inside, Kurt can feel Blaine's eyes on him. He can sense the concern from the opposite side of the building, without even looking at him, but when he does all he can give him is a smile, a look of 'I'm fine, I promise,' before Marley grabs his hand and points to something particularly impressive on stage, clearly freaking out that it's more than they can do. Kurt doesn't mind not having Blaine's attention right then. He knows he'll have it later. For as long as he wants.

Santana reaches back to hold his hand.

"I need to get less dramatic roommates. You and Berry are gonna give me a nervous breakdown one of these days."

He grins and leans forward to kiss her hand.

* * *

The whole group is buzzing as soon as they spot the reverend that comes in with Emma. Blaine stares at Kurt, so excited for them he can't keep still. They keep taking turns to look at each other throughout the ceremony, blushing and giggling whenever their eyes meet. They don't notice Mike, Mercedes and Santana all watching them.

Everyone but Blaine claps when the wedding is over. Kurt thinks it's a little weird. He doesn't realise Blaine's hand is busy, clutching to a black, velvet box.

* * *

Author's notes:

If you disagree with all of this, I'm totally fine with comments and questions as long as you're polite. If you just came here to tell me how much you hate Blaine, you're really wasting your time. Reviews are just peachy though xxxx


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